loss..

I have been thinking allot lately about the people in my life that I have loved and lost. How love, and life is such a precious and precarious thing, that can be taken away – in an instant. You can watch family members die for years, or have friends snuffed out in a tragic accident, you can have people turn away from your love, and you yourself can walk away. Love and life. Precious things so easily taken for granted.

I have lost allot of people that I love – to many to count. Most, have died of cancer, but there has also been heart attacks, accidents, other deaths, and emotional distancing. Anyway you slice it, it is the loss of love It is the loss of someone in your life who you love, and there is nothing more painful.

I don’t know if I have ever really taken the time out to deal with the loss that I have felt over the years… I don’t know if I have really said good-bye. From time to time I think about people that I have loved and lost, for whatever reason, and I am filled with a total sadness. I think about those who are still here, and ponder making amends – saying sorry – or asking why. I think about those gone, and I am filled with regrets.

Words never said.

Words never heard.

I think about people who have pushed me away, and how sometimes I brought that pushing onto myself. I think of those who I have pushed away – seeking solitude and suffering alone to companionship. I often think about where my life would be with those people still here. And I think of those in my life now, and I wonder if I will repeat old mistakes? I wonder if they will push my love aide.

Do the people in my life know how much I truly love them?

Do they know how much I truly care.

Do the love me too?

Though out my life I have had my love used against me. People used it to manipulate me: I was the girl with the car, who would drive anywhere. I was the girl with the generous heart, who will always buy dinner and drinks for everyone – even if she cant afford it. I was the girl who could be used to get what you want, and then tossed aside.

Being used has made me jaded.

Being used has made me think – up until recently – that maybe I had no more love to give, for fear of the hurt that comes with the realization that you in fact are being used for who you are, and what you have.
I have been afraid to love.

Has this fear of what has happened in the past, cost me love for the future?

Am I better off not loving at all – because that way, you cant get hurt by simple words and actions – am I better off not being loved?

Will I ever be truly loved?

No matter what I feel about being used, pushed aside, or being the one pushing away, the bottom line is:

They Are Still Here.

There is time to make amends, ask why, or say “I love you”.

But what of those who are no longer here?

What about those who you cant make amends to?

I hold in my heart a lifetimes worth of regrets…. I life times worth of ‘what ifs’